everyday wonderings

I hesitate to share my testimony sometimes because it’s not one of those big, radical transformation stories. Don’t get me wrong, I know that Jesus saving me from sin and death IS a radical transformation. As Paul says in 1 Timothy 1:15, “I’m a sinner among sinners” and praise the Lord for his grace and for Jesus as my rescuer! What a gift to have decades of faithful God-seekers in my family who have gone before me, praying for me, and raising me up to love Jesus. I am so thankful for that. 

However, I think my “straightforward” life has actually been some of my unseen problem and a part of what God has rescued me from. I lived a lot of years unaware of the sneaky deep-rooted lies. Believing them because they were covered up with what appeared to be a “good, comfortable” life. Satan couldn’t completely derail me, so he used the distraction of good things and false idols like comfort and ease, disguised as fear, to slowly sneak them in right under my nose and entangle me.

As a mom, God often uses my kids to reveal things in my life so let me start with this story: 

My son was wrestling with the reality of going to school every day. He’s an eight-year-old homebody. Up until now, his school goals included earning the title of class clown and jumping in the car at pick-up able to chant, “No homework” on repeat.

This school year was different. His eyes would well up with tears at the mention of anything school related. He’d say he missed Mom and home way too much because its’ such a long day. 

“I just wish I was Brinkley {our dog}, so I could stay home all the time. He’s so lucky!” Griffin would wail with alligator tears streaming down his cheeks. 

He’d complain that lunch was too loud and math was too hard, but from all I knew about his school that couldn’t possibly be the root problem because their lunch room was anything but loud and his love for problem solving didn’t lead me to believe that math was too hard, either. 

We sat together in the kitchen and pulled his homework out of his backpack. The star at the top of his math sheets confirmed my suspicion that we hadn’t found the real problem just yet. 

Insert classic mom questions here as he lobbed blueberries into the air hoping to catch one in his mouth. 

“Help me understand what feels so tricky here, bud,” I said as I sat down with his 2^nd grade math worksheet on the counter in front of us. 

Another blueberry bounced on the ground.

“Um well… not that part,” he pointed to the top. “Not that part either, or that.” He ran his finger over the whole sheet. 

“Ohhkkkay,” I said slowly, “So, it looks like you understand what’s going on in math then.”

“Well, yeah,” Brinkley jumped behind him to try and join in on the blueberry throw and catch game. 

“I get it now.,” Griff continued, “But when she first showed us on the board, I didn’t understand at all and my brain got so confused,” tears welled up in his eyes again. “I had no idea what she was talking about.”

“It’s hard not to know something, isn’t it?” I said, “I think what you’re saying is that when she first tells you something new or starting a new lesson, you don’t understand it. Is that what you mean?”

“Yeah,” he sniffed as his shoulders slumped over with a big sigh.

“But what about when she explains it and you practice it and I think you work with a partner, right? And then somehow you got it all correct on this worksheet?”

“Well, I get it then, but I just don’t know when she first says it!” and he begin to cry. 

A relieved smile formed on my face as I hugged him and held back a laugh, “Ok this is great news. Do you know what’s happening? What this is called?”

“Uh uh,” he shook his head no.

“It’s called … wait for it,” I drummed my hands on the table. “It’s called LEARNING! So cool! Did you know that’s what learning is? It’s when you don’t know something, someone teaches it to you, and then you know it! You learned it!” I used my hands to create a start, middle and end on the counter.

He stared straight ahead and I could see the wheels turning, “I like it better when I just already know it.”

And I’ve been wondering about that little phrase for months now. 

“I like it better when I just already know it.”

Don’t we all? Things we already know make us feel confident, comfortable, and safe. 

Why do we like it better when we already know something instead of having to work to learn it? Because when we don’t know, we feel vulnerable and weak. Insecurities are triggered like:

• Pride
• Fear
• When you’re learning something, you’re changing and change is hard, uncomfortable, and inconvenient
• Lack of control in the change

I don’t want to learn something new so instead I choose to stay in the safe, easy, familiar things I already know how to do 

This is where I didn’t realize I was getting stuck in my own story. Without realizing it, by staying in the “safe, easy, familiar place” I was leaning on my own understanding instead of trusting God like Prov 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your paths straight.” If the enemy could keep me there, not moving ahead, he could keep me from freedom in my soul and from doing the work God has in store for me.

I wasn’t doing this intentionally. As much as my broken heart could, I was seeking the Lord and trying to trust Him the best I knew how but also … life was busy, days flew by and turned into weeks and months and I was “fine, mostly fine.” I noticed some struggles that I needed to work thru but I’d say to myself, “I can’t do that right now, there’s too much going on. I’ll pray about that tomorrow or after that big thing in a couple weeks and then I’ll work on it.” I was distracted enough that I was unable to move forward and eventually, unable to see the need for change. 

It seemed to be easier to just stay where I was, mostly fine, because if I’m honest, I didn’t know where to start to move forward in change.

But God! He doesn’t want us to stay where we are, he created us for change, growth, freedom and life. He’s given us all the tools to fight our fleshly desires, and move forward. Not in fear, but in freedom. Sometimes the moving forward might be baby steps, but hey, that’s got to be better than not moving, right?  

With those steps forward, the first place to go is to run to the Word of God because Hope comes with the Truth. God longs for us to always be learning from Him. He sent us the Holy Spirit to live within us to convict and teach. John 16:13, “…when the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth…,” we have that in us as our helper.

Psalm 32:8, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” Griffin’s precious second grade teacher is instructing and teaching with her eye upon her students. She would never throw a new concept out there and say ‘figure it out.’ Instead, she’s there patiently teaching and listening when her students have a question and works it out with them. In the same way, God will instruct and teach and counsel with his eye upon YOU. What comfort that can bring when we recognize the chains, big or small, that need to be broken in our lives. He is always patient with us as we grow; never disappointed. Never asking us to hurry up or get on with it already, but ‘his eye is gently on you,’ right there with you. 

I heard a psychologist named Dr. Becky talking about ‘the learning space,’ the area between the “not knowing” and the “knowing.” We can never get across to the “knowing” without the ups and downs of the middle space where we’re learning. As it turns out, we spend a lot of life in ‘the learning space.’

Paul writes in Phil 1:6, “and I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” We are always to be changing to be more like Christ until the day he comes back – so don’t get too comfortable. Its good work, even when it’s hard. God is with us thru all the ups and downs; Hebrews 13:5, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” 

Proverbs 1:7, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” When we get complacent living in what we already know, what feels familiar and safe, we’re actually living as FOOLS.

I’m wading thru the “learning space” in many areas right now. One is learning how to break free from a constant striving to do the right thing/please people. I didn’t realize this one ran so deep until I began to dig down into why even the thought of disappointing someone bothers me so much. I didn’t see how my ‘fear of man’ was holding me back from freedom in so many areas. It had paralyzed me from sharing thoughts and from making decisions. Stirring up insecurities and feeding into the lie that I don’t have any wisdom or thoughts worth offering. Growth in this area feels like that “learning space” chart. Not in any way linear but zig-zaggy steps forward and mixed with several back. Yet, I continue to make effort to grow forward, for I know on the other side is to truly feel secure in who Christ has made me. Asking Jesus to help me be patient toward myself, just like he is with me, as I go thru ups and downs with him. I long to feel confident in who Christ is thru me and then step out in freedom to be the woman he has created. He is my audience of One. I guess this was one of those things I thought I already knew. Shocker, I didn’t. 

Throughout the lifelong journey of the ups and downs, we must remember that even though we might want our goal to be moving from the “not-knowing” to the “knowing,” completion will only come at the ‘day of Christ Jesus’ as it says in Philippians. As a believer, the real goal of the learning phase is to keep leaning in closer to Jesus. In our own flesh, we will never actually get there, yet we must allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the false idol of comfort in our lives; places where we’re getting stuck in what feels safe. Then ask him to bring a willingness to change, willingness to try something new, surrender to the One who created us from the beginning and the acknowledgement that his ways are always better. 

So, as I started this off with the quote, “If the devil can’t hinder you with difficulties, he’ll choke you with distractions” I end with a prayer that we as believers could be aware of those distractions before all those little things grow and choke. May we recognize and confess areas of sin in our lives, receive grace and then fight the flesh to live in the freedom Christ has for us. 

I wonder what could happen if we confidently stepped out of our comfort and into the unknown?

The deep green padding covering the arms of the chair swept my mind with a memory of my great-grandmothers Louisiana kitchen. Mammaw was one of the strongest yet, jolliest ladies I’ve ever known. 

As my young daughter pulled herself up to sit on that green seat, big enough for three more six-year-olds to fit in together, I hoped she would have the same characteristics as Mammaw; strong and jovial. Reese’s big brown eyes scanned the room and locked with mine. “You got this,” I whispered. 

The nurse smiled as she rolled her seat over to touch her knees with Reese’s. “What have you been doing at school today?” 

My savvy girl gave no response except a nervous smirk, she never falls for distraction tactics. The nurse gently scrunched Reese’s tiny pink sleeve up toward her shoulder and laid her arm out flat, palm up. The ripping sound of the sterilizing wipe popped her eyes back up to me and her tears began to flow. I clasped Reese’s free hand in mine and squished her lovie blanket tight against the side of her leg, but again, no distraction works with this one, she wants to know exactly what’s happening, even if she’s terrified of it.

No more delays now, it was time for the blood draw: ‘the big shot’ as we call it in our house. 

Just after her first birthday, we discovered that our first-born daughter had a severe peanut allergy. Since then, her allergist runs some tests on her blood to determine her peanut allergy levels once a year. I’m not sure there’s anything this little girl hates more. Except maybe the smell of peanut butter.

I tried to turn her head to look toward me, preventing her view of the shot into her arm. She insisted on watching. 

I began my “script” which I’d told her many times before, “If I could take this away or carry it for you, I would! But God has made this a part of your story, Reese Mason. And He created you to do hard things. That’s why he sent Jesus, as a rescuer, to help us all tackle our hard things. Because of Jesus, we can do it. YOU can do this.” But in that little room, with each tear that rolled down her cheek, my heart broke all the more watching my baby do a hard thing. 

She cried with little sniffles until the blue rubber band was released from around her bicep. She knew that meant it was over. “You’re amazing,” the nurse beamed to Reese, “You did better than some of the old folks that come in here!” Finally, a giggle shook the baby curls at the end of her ponytail and her body began to relax. 

Band-aid on. Sleeve pulled down. At least 17 cartoon stickers collected in her little fingers. Sucker unwrapped. Sparkly Velcro shoes jumped down. And from there, we start the countdown. 364 days until the next ‘big shot.’

—-

This is part of Reese’s story. It has lots of chapters and change, just like all of our stories. I pray that learning to tackle something challenging at such a young age will create a continuous thread of faith thru her life – that she can do hard things, not because of anything she has done but only because of what Jesus did for her. 

“The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.” Exodus 15:2

At some point in my life, I gathered from who knows where that if I was following God and doing the ‘right’ thing, life should be easy. It should be fair and carefree. I’m not sure where this lie came from and it’s embarrassing to admit, however, I remember a time in college when I began to see the truth. The truth that life in this broken world IS hard. Nowhere in Bible does it say that it will be easy or that if its hard something is wrong. God actually tells us it will be hard and then over and over in scripture he reminds us that He will be our strength. Be courageous. Stand firm. Take heart. Do not fear.

In John 16 Jesus said, “I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

We all have our own hard things and I wonder… what’s yours? Is there a part of your story you wish you didn’t have to go thru? Is there something that feels overwhelming and you’re dreading it? Maybe you’re feeling weary in a hard season right this minute?

I wonder if there’s another way you could think about it today? Not to say it isn’t tough but if you could see it, even just for today, as a way to grow or a way to see God from a different angle, or as an encouragement to someone else? Has it allowed you to grow toward Jesus in a certain way you haven’t noticed? Not to pull a ‘Pollyanna’ and say everything’s fine, we’re all fine… it probably isn’t fine, but what if you took a step back and could notice God with you in the hard? Just as Jesus was WITH Daniel in the fire. He wasn’t waiting on the other side for him to get thru it. He was IN the fire WITH him. And he’s there with you, too.

As I lean into the truth that difficult things come but God is with me in them:

I can’t help but see God’s kindness.

I allow Jesus to take all my insecurities and replace them with strength.

My fear is covered with peace like a river.

I can stop striving to fix it on my own and rest in God’s strength.

I remember this hard, broken world is not my home.

My expectation for things to be easy is shattered because I realize that no matter what comes, the Lord is my rock and my fortress.

May His kindness to you, in the midst of hard seasons, pop up all around you in unmistakable ways that guide you to praise him even in the suffering.